{growing}

I am a journal keeper. Not always mind you, but for about the last 5 or 6 years. I mean I kinda sorta kept a diary when I was 8-10, but writing 2 sentence entries once every 10 months doesn't really count in my book. As soon as I hit my teen years though, I obviously had to document all the drama going on in my life, hence I began journaling. At first it was every other day that I would write in it, but now it's more like once a month, maybe not even that. But when I do write in it, boy do I write in it. I rarely write just one page, but instead pages and pages.

 Besides the daily happenings, new books I'm reading, favorite songs, newest ice cream flavors I've discovered and sob stories, if you were to readmy journal you would also find my deepest darkest secrets. You would read about my biggest, hardest struggles. You would find what I worry about the most. I write all of it down. 

 This morning was one of those mornings when I felt like writing. So I pulled out my blue, getting worn out journal and trusty, favorite pen of mine and settled down on our front porch to write. I am never really sure what I am going to write, it just comes when the pen hits the paper.

 After I wrote my few pages of thoughts and prayers, I did something crazy...I opened up to  the first page and started reading. I read through 5 years of journal entries.

 I found myself laughing alot, mostly at my awful handwriting, but also at my choice of words or how I overreacted about so many silly things. {My drama level was quite high in 2011} 

 Besides all that though I also found myself crying and realizing how good our Lord is. I've grown a lot, and so much of my growing is recorded! That blue, faded journal holds a lot of stuff: good, hard lessons. 

 As I read each of the entries I could see where I have grown and where I still have work to do. I read a lot of entries written with teary eyes about how confused and scared I was. About how desperate I was to have some kind of great and glorious revelation. Pages and pages are filled with how bad I am and how much I need help and how I don't think anyone, not even Jesus, would want to help such a dark hearted sinner. There are entries about how much I wish I were a nicer, better person. There are entries about how I just wanted to be accepted and popular among my friends.

 It was hard reading those.

 And then came my favorite part....the time in my life when I started realizing that even though I am broken and a sinner, God loves me so much and that yes, He does want to help me. I wrote about what I read in the Bible that day and how I was learning so much and that I wanted to know so much more. I was realizing more and more how broken I actually was, and how much I needed Christ. I wrote about how amazing and unfathomable it was that God would have so much mercy and Grace on us. 

One of my favorites was this one:

"Yesterday something amazing happened. I sat on the edge of our bathtub :) and asked God to forgive me, to save me and make me His! I feel different today, it's hard to explain, but I feel at peace and I'm not scared anymore. Why should I be? I'm a daughter of the most High King!"

Praise the Lord, right??? 

The pages after that are still filled with struggles and fears and worries, but instead of them being accompanied by uncertainty and hopelessness, the words that fill the pages are about God's grace. His promises for me. How I don't need to worry because God says time and time again in His word that He is there for me and He is in control. Those pages are full of me surrendering myself over and over to my Savior. I wrote about how I was struggling and how I tried to fix it on my own, but failed miserably and realized, yet again, that I can't do it on my own. 

Romans 8:1-2 says "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

 I have a ton more growing to do. Some days I get really discouraged, thinking that I am going nowhere in my walk with Christ, that I'll never get out of the rut I'm in. There are days I am unfaithful and discontent. Sometimes I forget the glorious promise and hope we have to look forward too. I let my focus drift from God to this world. I start living to please others and forget Who really deserves my time, praise and service.
 We are gonna mess up. Big time. We are far from perfect. But we serve a perfect King. A King who loves us, no matter what. A King that longs for us to call out to Him for help, and when we do, He is a King that will forgive us. So when we mess up, which we will, constantly, He is there for us. Waiting for us to run to Him.

 All of the struggles and hard times we deal with are teaching us to trust Him more. When we are going through hard times is when we run to Jesus. I'm learning more and more to trust Jesus all the time, whether it's bad or good. It's easy to forget to trust Him when life us going well...but we can't do this alone. Trust Him all the time.

He created us. He loves us. He suffered and bled for us. He died for us. He forgave us. He is there for us.

Live for Jesus, because He died for us.

So yeah. I've grown a lot since my first journal entry, and I am still growing. I am already looking forward to when I read through my journal 10 years from now. God is good. If you take anything from this post, I want you to take that. God is good, even in the hard times, even when you are struggling, He is Good.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5&6