{how i really feel about it}

"Behold, children are a heritage from Yahweh, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed in the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

Psalm 127:3-5

Those are my people. My best friends. My favorite humans to exist in this world. They are, and will always be, my brothers and sisters. 

I was once asked if I ever wished my parents didn't have so many kids...if I had ever wished that they had just stopped at 3 or 4.  My short, out-loud answer was: No way.

My longer, inner-dialougue answer is, well, this:

As a selfish human being sometimes I come close to it.

Obviously, we are fallen. Sin is a powerful force against humans, and yes, some days I admit, I have bitter feelings against the brother who left the sink full of his dirty dishes, or the sister who ripped my favorite shirt, or the little boys who are just way too loud and obnoxious, or the little girl who just keeps asking and asking and asking... People can be annoying. We've all experienced dislike for someone in our lives...and I'm no exception. At all. In fact, I think made it to the top of the "getting easily annoyed by people" list. 

It's hard to patiently deal with younger brothers who think that their lives are so hard and that it's not fair they have to clean the whole basement by themselves. I lose my temper and yell and roll my eyes and do anything but try to be calm and encourage them. Instead I tell them how wrong they are and how silly and ridiculous it is that they are complaining because there are kids in Africa who don't have anything and they just need to chill and be grateful FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

What's that verse about getting the log out of your own eye before trying to help your friend with the speck in his? Yeah...still working on that one.

And sisters. Oh my word. How crazy frustrating can they be? Borrowing your clothes without asking,  assuming things about you that just aren't true...and. Well, if you have sisters...you know. 

Love is patient....Love is kind....

Having 10 siblings...its hard. It's hard to share your space with one or two people, let alone 12. Sharing a room and bed with sisters your whole life can be challenging. Finding moments of peace and quiet is nearly impossible. Sharing basically everything isn't always fun and easy. Dealing with younger siblings who want to do everything you are doing can be really difficult. 

But the good really outweighs the bad in this sibling situation of mine.

The dirt can't hide the happy, precious smiles on sweet faces. The messy hands that are so good at getting into everything are so so much better at hugging your neck. The older brother who forgets to pick up his clothes, or shut the refrigerator is the perfect secret keeper and shoulder to lean on when you are feeling weepy and ridiculous. The older sister who neglects her chore in the kitchen which means more for you is actually the best advice giver because she gets it. 

The minutes and sometimes hours spent in anger over some minuscule situation are instantly made better when your little brother doesn't give a second thought to forgiving you and your impatience and is quick to hug you and tell you that you're his favorite sister.

Being a sister is teaching me to be selfless and to give more and more of myself. My patience is tried daily. I'm learning to not get caught up in making everything perfect and quiet and peaceful and clean. Jesus knew what He was doing when he put me in this family, I need all of this. The messes and the hard days and the tantrum-throwing little sister, and the don't-want-to-clean little brothers, and the always teasing brothers. Not to mention the fact that my biggest dream ever is to become a mom of like, a  hundred kids myself. So, yep, this is what I need.

Watching my siblings do things they've worked hard for makes me, a non-sentimental, very little emotion-feeling person, feel sentimental and get teary eyed. Whether it's my sister pouring herself out on the stage, or my older brother making the news with his falconry endeavors, or my wise-beyond-his-years-15-year-old brother animate something like a pro, or my twin sisters running hard and getting personal bests at a cross country meet, or watching 2 of my little brothers teaming up to make a remote control airplane from scratch, or seeing my 9 year old brother giving high fives and "Good job's" to his fellow team mates after a hard race in which he beat his time, or seeing the joy in the eyes of a 5 year old who worked so incredibly hard on his lego truck as he shows mama, or hearing the littlest girl in the house tell daddy how many times she used the potty today. 

You know what my favorite memories are and forever will be? The ones spent in mama and daddy's room altogether at the end of a long day just talking and sharing stories and laughs. The trips in our too-small van when we are all singing and harmonizing and praising Jesus. The last minute Saturday plans to go to the bookstore. The late-nights spent finishing projects. Family dinners around our long table, and singing "God Our Father" before prayer time. The birthday parties in which we all eat way to much cake and ice cream. The middle-of-the-night conversations that happen between the older ones in the kitchen. Discovering the music that daddy loved to listen to when he was younger. Hearing mama play classical piano pieces from memory. Decorating Christmas cookies with the littles. Taking Creed shopping because he saved $3...all in change and wants to buy a new toy of course. Spending an afternoon going thrift-shopping and ice-cream eating with my sisters. Driving daddy to work and bantering back in forth with him. Helping mama choose which song to perform next...

And the memories we have to look forward to? Hello.  That makes me excited as I don't-even-know. The proposals, weddings, nieces and nephews, grandkids, family reunions with all of the brothers and sister-in-laws...

If my parents hadn't had the conviction of taking however many children the Lord would give them, then those memories...well, they wouldn't be.  

They're not competing with the Duggars...We aren't trying to get a TV show...And no, we aren't Mormon. We are simply a family of 13 living in the beautiful grace of our Heavenly Father. We are crazy, loud, obnoxious, far-from-normal family just doing life together. It's insane and we're not organized and we get really strange looks a lot, but it's so good and we love every minute of it. It's crazy hard but God is good and He is so much bigger than any of our problems.

So do I wish that my parents hadn't had so many kids? 

No way.

I would be lost without them. Every single one of my siblings have impacted my life in such a way that I have no idea how I would live without them. God is good and He has given me some of the best people to me as my brothers and sisters. They build me up. They challenge me to the core to be a better person. They make me smile so much I feel like my face might break. They make me laugh till my side feels like it's about to burst. They bring tears to my eyes. They make me so proud. They teach me daily what it truly means to love.

Why on earth would I wish that away?

I'm all in. I'm all for being a sister to so many...and I would welcome however many more God would give.

Which is good...because... {I feel like this is a good time to mention this.}

Well, #12 is on the way. 

Praise the Lord!! We are full of excitement and thankfulness whenever we think about welcoming another little one into our home!!

I am beyond joyous over the news myself...yes, I will be 18 years older then this child, and yes, I might only be living with him/her for another 2-3 years, but I am so thankful to have the opportunity to love on another precious baby. 

My prayer as a sister is that I strive every day to love selflessly. That I humble myself and realize that I don't deserve everything I have. That I put my best self forward to serve my family. 

And that I take it all in and remember...because, Lord willing, one day I plan on being a mother and  raising my own sweet children. And you know what? That thought makes my heart flutter with happiness and excitement, because I can't wait for that day.

...that's how I really feel about my life as a sister to 11 wonderful people.