{Enough...}

My daughter, Geneva, allowed me to hijack her blog for a personal update, one that I needed to express with many words....just enough.

enough: [ih-nuhf]-adjective

     1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose, or to satisfy desire

I often consider the quantity of things.  I nervously ask myself, "Is it enough?"  This sudden, inner gasp of mine occurs frequently enough, and most of time I am able to keep my mouth from manifesting an audible expression at the same time so that I do not let on to those around me that I may not be prepared for the most current crisis.  Of course, there are times when my years of experience of preparing for all possible scenarios, or "making do" are just not ..... adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose; that do not satisfy my desires.  It is not enough.

Several months ago, considering my children and the quantity of them, I was content.  Even so, deep down, I knew it was not up to me.  So, when Steve and I were made privy, via 3 positive pregnancy tests, that we were expecting another child, I suddenly, inwardly and outwardly gasped.  It was amazing, surreal, and scary, not unlike any other time we received the same news before.  Wow! The enough questions flooded our minds simultaneously before we finally acknowledged the answer to all of them.  There will be enough. 

Funny, those questions; "Will there be enough: food, money, space, love to go around, time for each other, energy to go on, etc., etc.?"  We've been asked these questions by others as many times as we've asked them ourselves, about ourselves.  Funny, that the more children we had, the answer came faster and with more confidence than when we were first forced to consider.....if there would be enough.

This past Thursday, I went to my first doctor's appointment.  I was anticipating the best more than the worst.  I was encouraged by the hope of life again!  I had enough faith in the Lord, in His preparation, His sustaining, His providence, His love.  I had been here enough that I was ready for the same routine questions regarding my medical history, my many deliveries, etc.  I felt I was ready....enough.

Yet, even so, deep down, I knew that it was not up to me.  

Finally, after waiting thirty minutes, confirming numbers and dates with the doctor, it was time to see how far along in the pregnancy I was via an ultrasound.  I have seen so many, never enough, beautiful images of my children this way.  It never gets old.  This time, the image was confusing.  I did not see enough to satisfy me.  There was not that familiar flash of a heart beating.  The doctor confirmed that although the fetus measured almost eleven weeks, that there was no heartbeat.  That was enough.  That was not the first or second time I had faced this devastating news at the first glimpse of our next child.  "Enough!"  I screamed inside, but not outside. "Lord, isn't it enough that I have faced this so many times? Isn't it too much?"

I had adjusted my want regarding children one more time.  I now wanted twelve, not eleven.  I had recognized my needs; good health, increased faith, prayer.  My purpose was to bring even more glory to the Lord through His blessing.  My desire was to was to hold this new baby, to show the Lord's goodness, to love more than I thought possible!  Yet, despite my best intentions, they were not enough.

So, what, or who is enough?

Psalm 107 has been enlightening to me the past several weeks.  Before I knew this loss, this sorrow, I knew the promises of this psalm. The command to give thanks to the Lord for His steadfast love is what opens the verses, followed by an exhortation to the redeemed of the Lord to "...say so."  Several accounts are included after this of those who wander, those who are foolish, those who are distressed, imprisoned.... those who do not have enough.  Then, each account reports that, "They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress."  This appeal, this opportunity that, having been redeemed, is now available to me, is enough. I have cried out to the Lord in my trouble, and He will deliver me from my distress.  He is more than enough.

Together, with a husband who cares more than I acknowledge, eleven children who express their concern for me so beautifully, a church that is praying for me, and so many other promises in God's word, I give thanks to the Lord for His steadfast love.  I am redeemed, and I am saying so.  How could that not be enough?